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| I just had a really vivid dream about Peanut last night- which of
course is very odd because I don't usually remember having dreams, much
less who or what they are about. He came to visit and was staying in
some crazy shady hostel/homeless shelter, and then he came to live with
us in Jared's room (I don't know why Jared wasn't there). It was so
good to see him again, I realized how much I've been missing him
lately; maybe I'll give him a call this weekend. I always kind of
wonder what it was about the day or things I was thinking about right
before I feel asleep that led me to dream certain things: last night,
Jane and I had a pretty detailed convo about what she wants to do about
Levs. It must be so hard, I can't even imagine. But he really seemed
awesome from the time we spent together- balanced and interesting and
cool and cute and thoughtful - so it's hard to say "he's not good
enough for you" or something like that. The truth is that he really
seems to care a lot about Jane, but because of the distance can't
commit because he just got out of a difficult long-distance
relationship. And she's afraid of scaring him off by asking him to be
more than just fuck buddies on those weekends when she can get out to
see him. I'm trying not to be selfish and tell her that she should
spend more time here, even though I really think that lack of balance
between her life here and with him exacerbated the problems last time.
I really don't know what to tell her, which makes me feel a bit
useless. She was considering telling him that she didn't want to talk
to or see him anymore, so I told her a little bit about me and BMM, and
how that doesn't always play out as smoothly as you would hope.
I, of course, am making my own relationship problems. I
really like all three guys, but of course we all hang out together, so
if I pick one, there's really no way I'd get the other two as well. And
then I hooked up with Blue on Saturday night and we were dancing and it
was really fun, but it scared me beacuse I really never looked him in
the eyes. Was I trying to pretend it was someone else? I wanted to get
lost in the moment for a change, and to just let myself feel good
without overthinking or overplanning the consequences, but I'm not sure
how it's going to play out. I've moved to phase 2, which is where I
point out to myself all of the crazy/imagined things wrong with him:
not as hot as I'd hoped, not sure if he gets my sense of humor, etc.
Maybe I want it to be too easy. I've been spoiled by guys who I've
really had excellent friendships with, but I didn't take advantage of
because I didn't want to risk losing the friendship. Now that I'm out
of touch with most of them, I wonder if that's even something I should
be concerned about!
Well, I have lots to think about, but tonight is the Juanes
concert, so I'm going to try to get some work done tonight so I can go
all-out for "A Dios le Pido" with the chiquillas!
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| Twenty-six days later, and a little something to report. So yes, life
has calmed down significantly since my last entry, but is about to pick
up again full force.
I've survived an amazing trip to Philly (thanks to my astonishingly
wonderful roommate, Baby Jane!), oral arguments featuring Michael in a
judge's robe, Valentine's Day, a million meetings and workshops, my
career panel with the ABA, etc.
Oops, out of time for now! Remind me to tell you a story...
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| hmmm, not feeling much like myself today. Perhaps when I explain you'll see why:
today, brief and motion were due. I was up all night (as I have been
for several nights, working on this) revising, typing, reformatting the
stupid half-columns etc. And I'm cite-checking this morning and decide
to skip my first two classes in order to do a really good job, then
I'll run to school and print out three copies and be done with it. But,
as I was re-reading the Local Rules, the thing had to be double-spaced!
(except for headings and footnotes, of course), so instead of 10 pages
(perfect), I have seventeen- how am I going to cut 7 pages in less than
an hour and finish plugging in citations? Well, I gave it my best shot
(esp. considering that I'm anemic and cramping today, on top of no
sleep, emotional distress, etc.) and didn't finish it in time to get to
school to print it (did I mention my printer ran out of ink?). So I
stayed home. I skipped my third class rather than face everyone without
my paper done. Or worse, I could have tried to hand it in the way it
was and have Michael flip to the back, look at the page number, and
hand it back to me for a third lower grade and 24 hours to correct it.
At least this way, I feel in control, I chose not to go, and I'll still
get the third of the grade off and 24 hours to turn it in, but I won't
give Michael the satisfaction of giving it back to me.
So yes, I feel like something of a failure, because with three
weeks, there's really no good reason why I shouldn't have gotten it
done on time (if there was, I would have liked to file for an
extension, but I don't think PMS counts), so I'm trying to be big about
it and sit here and think about my decision and eat M&Ms and decide
what staircase to take when I go to my meeting at school at 2 so I
won't see anyone....
On the positive side, I think little rock star and I are
going to Philly this weekend to hang out with some cool med students,
celebrate the Superbowl, and hopefully forget about all my problems for
a little while.
ahhhh...
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| Possibly the most severe case of procrastination I've ever had. As of
24 hours before my trial motion is due, I still hadn't written a single
page. But, I've gotten a chance to see how much better caffeine works
after you've been off it for a few months. I had about 3 mugs
(technically "6 cups" according to the pot) today, and it's 5:30 in the
morning and I'm still doing ok. Turned down the heat because we got
last month's gas bill in the mail and it was ridiculous! So we decided
to start layering and save up (although the cold should really only
last another month or two, still, every little savings helps), which
esp. when one is trying to stay awake late at night, is the worst. I'm
not tired, but instead of getting to work, I'm daydreaming about
crawling headfirst into my pile of downy covers and pillows, curling up
in a tight little ball, and not opening my eyes until Puxatauny Phil
says it's spring! Instead, I'm trying to think up ways to re-inspire
myself to get to work on the stupid thing. This is what I get for
giving myself a mental break and trying to be so hard on myself for a
pass/fail class. Although, Michael has not provided any guidance, I'm
not even sure I have all of the most important case law supporting my
arguments, and the organization still seems very funky given that we
don't have any "factor" tests or elements to enumerate.
I'm really excited because my little rock star and I
are going to Philly this weekend (and dumping our Rodeo Drive trash!
not to me mean, but I hope it works) to hang with some med students and
watch my boy, Donovan McNabb, in the SuperBowl! (you know he played
football at Syracuse, right?) She's so awesome- she made me a study mix
CD today, and it's great! She's the coolest, and I love her already, so
it's going to be great to spend more time with her (hopefully she won't
figure out that I'm way not cool enough for her) and bond, since at
home our schedules don't seem to mesh very well. her boy is a big cutie
too, and Gem seems to be pushing another dynamic duo: I still have
mixed feelings, but I'm going to have fun no matter what!
Right now, though, I'd better put my writing enthusiasm towards something more legally-oriented...
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| oh man, who'd 'a thunk that people like Cali (*an alias) actually
exist? I honestly thought that this kind of person was just some cruel
caricature in a trite movie script. Somehow, my life has become a
second-rate teen angst movie.
Had an interesting day for the most part though- a little
heart ache softened by lasagna and chocolate chip cookies, then by
wonderful Maria and Rebecca! Got home, bad TV, realized that Golden Boy
had called me! It was great to catch up with him- we realized that we
hadn't seen each other since the fair day that narrow roads bitterly
parted. Hopefully he'll be able to visit soon, he's probably my second
favorite boy next to Jammies! Mentionned that he's looking for a job,
which was funny because when Janie came home, she said that she's
supposed to help find someone to hire! How serendipitous! Called G.B.
back immediately, was thrilled, am putting together resume tomorrow!
Must get back to work, classes and memo work in a big way, but
did manage to put together a career conference with the ABA in two
days, so am feeling fairly accomplished (too much so).
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